A straight guy's visit to a gay sauna

A man writing under the pseudonym Howard Lake gets all gay-curious, learning what it's like to be seen "as an object of desire instead of the pursuer," he says in the British political weekly New Stateman. But here's my favorite part; once inside, Lake gets picky about which guys he'll let hit on him: "There were quite a lot of quite old, overweight and unattractive men there. I found myself becoming pretty choosy within minutes, which was a surprise." Meanwhile, New York magazine discovers -- shocking! -- that married men are trolling for gay sex on Craigslist. Next revelation: They're not telling their wives what they're up to!

Straight Dating 101 in the Castro

We gays in the Castro seldom run into that curious species: heterosexuals. So, now and then, it's worth visiting their little (sad?) world to find out what they're up to. Consider the following romance ads on Craigslist's men seeking women Castro page. (Yes! Penis-havers are looking for vagina-havers in our very own neighborhood.)

1. Big hug: "I have a Boa constrictor named Precious." Cute! We love guys who name their cocks.

2. This fellow "appreciates the arts, ballet, and aesthetic beauty.'' And he's not even gay. Really! (Really?)

3. Hey, Imelda Marcos: You still looking to replace that refrigerated dead husband of yours? This guy is "passionate for shoes."

Guess what the gardener uses for fertilizer!

From a Yelp review of Jose's Landscaping service in Menlo Park by one desperate (and illiterate!) housewife in Silicon Valley: "My neighbor recommended Jose to me when I saw her landscape done a few years back. Negotiate! Jose is flexible as he is kind. Since 2003 to the present, I had Jose put in a new lawn and water sprinkler system (which he still maintains), a brick trim on the garden and patio (and part of the driveway), two fences, new plants and box hedges in the front and back of my home, I worked out a flat fee for a mow and blow job twice a month. Jose's men fertilizes your plants/lawns at least five times a year. Whatever you want done, Jose and his crew does it fast, clean and effeciently."

Ha, ha, ha! She said blow job. That's so funny. No? Oh. Well: Let's just look at that photo of naughty Desperate Housewives gardener Jesse Metcalfe and his even naughtier neighbor, Eva Longoria. [Photo: IMDb]

A.1. Steak Sauce is her favorite aphrodisiac

We gays in the Castro seldom run into that curious species: heterosexuals. So, now and then, it's worth visiting their little (sad?) world to find out what they're up to. Here's an ad posted today on Craigslist's women seeking men personals section.

Do you have a warm slender body and like to cuddle? I have a headache right now and how I wish to have a warm slender body to cuddle to ease the headache and fall to dreamland right now. I have a feminine body to hold on to, according to my sleeping mates' collective comments. Do you have a warm slender body and also a warm heart to go with it that I can sleep peacefully at night? I'm D&D free and so you should be. If you have a tender and elastic skin and smoke-free smell, that'd be great!

One rich sugar daddy, two hung black men...

. . . and we've got my kind of Pacific Heights party! A self-styled corporate mogul in one of San Francisco's most posh 'hoods (hi, Dede!) is looking for a slutty live-in girlfriend in return for $5,000 a week. The catch: She's got to agree to be fucked by a couple of studly black personal trainers while the 40-year-old exec watches.

He lays it all out in this Craigslist ad. (It may be gone by the time you read this; gossip blog Valleywag's got the full text.) The money graph: "I will only share you with 2 black men. I have known both of these gentlemen for quite some time. Both are physical fitness trainers here in the city who are very cafeful [sic] about their bodies. They are very selective about who their sexual partners are. One is 40, 6'4" 235 solid muscle, over 10 inches. The other is 42, 6'5" 240 solid muscle, over 10 inches as well. And they love fucking sexy white women. They are very healthy, clean, and in shape."

Yum! Reminds me of that over-the-top Details magazine story about "Mandingo" sex parties. Anyone know those two trainers? Send tips to castroconfidential@gmail.com.

[Major hat tip to Valleywag! Photo: That's built-for-sex Dexter from Jake Cruise Media; more NSFW pics of Dexter here]

Do straights hate us? We hazard a guess

Pride 07, the official guide to San Francisco Pride, asked well-known gays and gay-friendlies about Larry Kramer's opinion piece in the Los Angeles Times, where the activist and author wondered: "Why do straight people hate gays so much?'' Here's part of what porn star and blogger Johnny Hazzard told Pride 07:

"The truth is that my life and especially my profession are incredibly threatening to the straight world even if they aren't completely aware of that fact. Gay people are very much like left-handed people. The entire world is oriented to people who favor their right hand. It's so subtle that nobody really notices -- except the lefties trying desperately to use scissors.''

But does she still have that guy's number?

We gays are living la vida loca and all in the Castro, which means seldom running into that curious species -- heterosexuals (a.k.a. breeders). Now and then, it's worth visiting their little (sad?) world. Here's something I found yesterday in Craigslist's Rants & Raves:

Stop it with the penis pictures! I know some of you guys read the best of CL and we women complain about the penis pictures. And yet, it still happens. Oh, maybe they don't read. Anyway, one year, I ended up with a guy who had [such] an enormous penis that it put porno stars to shame. So, it ended up being my baseline. He could literally beat someone about the head with his cock and hurt them.

You guys who send or post your weenies are an interesting bunch. I can honestly say I have never seen a picture of a penis and felt a twang in my cooch. Mostly, it results in mocking and cajoling. I've seen some that look like a Sharpie when hard. Or some have these extremely tiny heads. I'm sorry but if your erection is shorter than your balls, don't take a picture of it. In fact, hide that shit. And some of you guys have poses where your fingers are wrapped tightly around your best friend to push more blood into junior. Seriously, you look like you're trying too hard to make it bigger.

Look, just stop. If it's an average dick, it looks average. If it's freakishly huge, it makes people want to runaway whilst throwing grenades at it. However, if you're posting on M4M, show it off. Guys love their own dicks and other guys' dicks. In parting, I don't hate dick. In fact, I love dick, but let me get to know your dick in person, not via the Internet.